The Unwilling Professor Read online

was almost midnightbefore the unhappy ambassador found himself lying in a dirty, fetidcage, formerly the residence of the fraternity parrot, who had expiredfor lack of intellegent dialogue to copy. Rabbits, even Venusian ones,cannot weep, but the professor's soul was heavy within him.

  And so it went, day after day, week after week.

  "I am quite amazed," Professor Cusp told a skeptical colleague towardsthe end of the term, "at the remarkable way Schultz and his Oh P-Yubunch have improved. Their homework these last six weeks has beenexcellent."

  "Somebody's coaching them--or doing it outright," was the cynical reply."I find no improvement in their zoology."

  "No, that's what I suspected at first, but it can't be true. Forexample, on last week's extra credit problem--a real stinker--theyturned in over a dozen correct solutions, all different. Nobody would goto that much trouble for the P-Yu crowd; they're about as popular oncampus as Malenkov is with the D. A. R."

  Another colleague, who had been listening, demanded: "But you won't letFatty Schultz by, will you?"

  "I'll have to," Cusp admitted. "Even though his exams are stillhorrible, I give quite a bit of weight to good homework, so--"

  "You swine!" the other said sourly. "Now I'll get him."

  Cusp laughed. "Ah, but you're supposed to be tough; they're afraid ofyou."

  "They'd better be. It's a pity the biology lab has to experiment on poorchimps while we give degrees to anthropoids like Fatty!"

  * * * * *

  That night Fatty told his unwilling mascot the bad news. "I'm sorry,Prof," he said genially. "It's only one more term, then I'll be donewith math, and you can go back to your disc. By my last course is withold Totient, and he's rough."

  "You promised!" the professor squealed angrily.

  "This time I mean it, honest."

  "Hey, Fatty," a fraternity brother objected, "ain't you gonna leave theprof to our gang? Just cause _you're_ through--" He broke off inconfusion as Irv kicked his ankle, hard.

  "Ignore the jerk," Lece reassured the crestfallen rabbit. "When Fattyand I finish our math requirement, you're on your own again. Course,you'll have to promise not to tell the President!" Over the professor'shead he winked broadly at his friends.

  "I won't do it! It's a cad's trick!" The rabbit's brown eyes were brightwith rage.

  Fatty pawed his soft fur with one lardy hand. "C'mon, Prof, be a sport,"he urged, greasily affectionate. "We like you a lot. You wouldn't let usdown now."

  "I--will--not--do--it! You promised--"

  "You will, too!" Irv grunted. "Don't give us any backtalk. If I have totwist your ears--"

  "Use the cigarette lighter," somebody suggested, half ashamed. "He'sonly bluffing again."

  "I'm not," the professor said sturdily. "You can burn me, kill me, but Iwon't tutor this bunch of cretins any more!"

  "Where does he get those words?" a student wondered aloud. "What's acretin?"

  "Irv," Fatty said in a sly, buttery voice, "where's that nasty pooch whoadopted the Delts last week? The one that chased the chaplain into TomPaine Hall. I'll bet he's a first class abbitray oundhay."

  "Mac," Irv addressed a slender, dark boy, "they keep him in that shedby the athletic field. Go and--ah borrow him, will you?" Mac left.

  "What's an abbitray oundhay?" the professor quavered.

  "You'll find out!" Fatty told him grimly. "Don't they teach pig-latin onVenus?"

  There was a strained silence, while some members of the group whisperedprotests. But there was no open resistance. Fatty and Irv ran Omega PhiUpsilon with an iron hand.

  Then the door opened, and Mac, tugging hard at the collar of a largedog, lurched into the room. "Here's Hotspur," he grinned, as the brutestrove to mangle the cowering professor.

  Hotspur was a canine melting pot. The Spitz in his ancestry seemed topredominate, but there were plain traces of airdale, setter--andcrowning evidence of some mis-alliance--dachshund. White teeth bared ina slavering snarl, the dog glared at the rabbit, lunging against hiscollar as Mac held hard.

  But the professor had collapsed, all his courage gone. "A dog!" hegasped in horror, and Hotspur seemed startled at the human voiceemerging from a rabbit. A thin whimper came from the professor. "Takethat monster away," he begged. "I'll do anything--anything!"

  "That's better," Fatty chortled. "But we need this good ol' hound morethan the Delts do. Put him down in the basement--just in case." He eyedthe professor, who shrank into a furry, abject heap.

  "My new prof, Dr. Totient, is tough," Fatty said. "Bugs Bunny here isgonna have plenty to do. We'll clear out now and let him prepare hisassignments! See that you watch those signs," he jibed, handing out whathe had so long received. He fastened the rabbit's chain to its stoutstaple in the wall. "Here." He fished an apple core from his jeans, andtossed it at the professor, giving him an oily smirk. "Just to showthere's no hard feeling. Eat hearty!" He stumped out, followed by hiscompanions.

  * * * * *

  Gradually it grew dark, and the deserted fraternity-house was quiet.Ravenous, the professor finally nerved himself to nibble the apple core,which to his sensitive nostrils reeked of Fatty. He had just downed thelast noisome fragment, when there was a loud, inquisitive sniff at thedoor. He grew rigid. Another sniff and the shoulder thrust of a heavybody.

  Insecurely shut, the door swung open, and a huge, white form stalked in.The professor cringed, moaning a little, the hot alien scent of dog inhis nose, prepared to meet a terrible death.

  "Ssst!" the big mongrel admonished him. "I'm a friend," he rumbled inslow, thick English. Trotting over, he took the slender chain in hisgreat teeth, and threw his thirty pound body into the wrench. The staplepulled free.

  "Let's get t'hell out of here," he grunted, "while your bunch is gone."

  "B-but my ship," the professor stammered, staring in bewilderment. "It'sbroken down, and those two awful boys will find me before I can fix it."

  "Never mind; I'll give you a lift in mine. I'm heading for Washington,then I'll have to report back on Mars. I can drop you either place. Ijust got word myself, only a few days ago, that our two planets hadfinally made contact. They asked me to find out where you'd disappearedto, but I never dreamed you were here. When I heard you talkingEnglish--! But we'd better scoot. I've spied out this place longenough-- I don't think it's quite representative."

  They had just reached the brush behind the library, where theprofessor's passionate story was completed, when Hotspur, looking back,saw lights flash in the fraternity house windows.

  "Wait here," he said cryptically. "Be right back." He sprang into thebrush, and vanished. A few moments later, the anxious professor heardsome yells of agony coming from the campus, and before long Hotspurreturned, panting.

  "I know you'll get a sympathetic hearing in Washington," he gasped; "andwe Martians abhor violence, but there are times--" He rubbed one pawagainst his mouth. "I didn't like the taste of Irv, but Fatty's evenworse! I hope," he added viciously, "they have to take Pasteurtreatments!"

  "Me too!" Professor Slakmak agreed cheerfully. "And best of all, they'llflunk math--but good! Where's your ship--Pal?"

  * * * * *

  Transcriber's Note

  Italic text is denoted by _underscores_

  Missing punctuation has been silently supplied.

  No Changes have been made to the following:

  who had expired for lack of intellegent -- intellegent is an old correct spelling

  mascot of Omega Pi Upsilen!" -- not changed, in other places the spelling is Pi Upsilon!"

  Changes have been made to the following:

  Fatty and Irv ran Omega Ph Upsilon --> Fatty and Irv ran Omega Phi Upsilon

  missing character supplied

  "and we Martians abhor voilence --> "and we Martians abhor violence

  spelling error corrected

 
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